March 2010
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TLDNR: Toiletiquette
Ever since I can remember I have been introduced to new homes the same way. I would arrive at the house and the homeowner would give me a little tour. Here is the kitchen, here is the bathroom, the living room, the guest room, etc. It didn’t matter what the occasion was - a party for one of my parents’ friends, a first time sleepover at a friend from school’s house, whatever - the initial introduction to the house always followed the same pattern.
Now that I’m older, the process hasn’t changed, except people now like to also point out all the ways in which their house or apartment is better than mine: here’s my new 60” plasma, here’s the guest pool if you want to swim, this is my wine cellar, etc. But there is one thing lacking in the standard house tour that I first noticed as a little kid. I was always secretly hoping that it would change when I got older, that it was too taboo a subject for an adult to speak to a child about, but that adults freely dispensed such information. Sadly, this is not the case. I am speaking of course about toilet operation.
I am all for variety. I love that I can choose between twenty-five kinds of peanut butter at the grocery store and watch softcore porn on Cinemax in nine different languages, but one place I don’t need so much choice is in toilet flushing. It’s as if the toilet manufacturers of the world are each convinced that their flushing operation is superior. “NO!” shouts Kohler, “holding the handle down for three seconds is the superior way to flush!”
“You fool,” counters American Standard, “a little push followed by a delayed flush is the best!”
“Nonsense!” screams Bemis, “A hard push, followed by a bubbling gurgle and a slow flush is the ONLY way Americans want their toilets to work!”
This leaves you, the consumer, with a myriad of potential flushing options when it comes time to relieve yourself and, of course, the possibility that you won’t be able to figure it out. This has been the case more times than I care to remember.
this.
